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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 14:56 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
A surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses put the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.
On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighbouring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 19:09 
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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen,on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 11 Oct 2017 12:28 
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Location: Wales
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 12 Oct 2017 15:20 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
George Phillips of Cheshire was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay". He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them" and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(a True Story)
I love it!!! Don't mess with old people .
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 12 Oct 2017 16:36 
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Location: Wales
Just a thought:

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 13 Oct 2017 11:21 
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Location: Wales
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K.
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
:shock:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 13 Oct 2017 17:24 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
A duck walks into a chemist shop and says to the Pharmacist "Hey, can you help me out. I need to buy some paracetamol but I forgot my wallet."
The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."

The Duck responds "Gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Oct 2017 12:29 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mummy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 16 Oct 2017 14:55 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 16 Oct 2017 17:19 
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Location: Wales
A Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his wealthy father with a ten million pound cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Oct 2017 11:45 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odour and that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Oct 2017 14:40 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 10469
Location: Wales
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a £10 note.
The bartender thinks to himself, This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks, and gives him 15 pence change.
The bartender says, You know, we dont get too many gorillas in here.
The gorilla replies, "Well, at £9.85 a drink, I aint coming back, either."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 18 Oct 2017 10:22 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 10469
Location: Wales
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their past hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you £100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the another one".
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 18 Oct 2017 16:19 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 10469
Location: Wales
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 18 Oct 2017 20:18 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
:lol:


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