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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 12 Mar 2018 15:45 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “Your rear light is not working.”
The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless.
“Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman.
The man mumbled, “It’s not the rear light I am worried about. Where's my wife and trailer?”
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 13 Mar 2018 12:22 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 13 Mar 2018 18:06 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: "May I speak to your mother?"
Child: "She is not here."
Salesman: "Well, is anyone else there?"
Child: "Yes, My sister."
Salesman: "O.K., fine. May I speak to her?"
Child: "I guess so."
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: "Hello?"
Salesman: "It’s you again, I thought you were going to call your sister."
Child: "I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 14 Mar 2018 12:04 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
A couple met at Sunny Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their holidays were over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."

"Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your head down and wrists straight when you hit the ball."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Mar 2018 11:26 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
The teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Mar 2018 14:00 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Chester Echo. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"Ah, you see," says the man, "That is your first worry."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Mar 2018 15:05 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
During a visit to the mental health institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
:shock:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Mar 2018 15:56 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 15 Mar 2018 16:09 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
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Location: Wales
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 16 Mar 2018 10:25 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "The kids are very well behaved."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 16 Mar 2018 15:02 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Mar 2018 07:50 
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Joined: 08 Jun 2008 08:15
Posts: 25083
Quote:
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
:lol:


Very good Ron :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Mar 2018 09:15 
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Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
Silly eh? But funny. :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Mar 2018 10:34 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
Patrick & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a €1 a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Patrick won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Patrick asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Patrick, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to using paper."
:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 17 Mar 2018 11:17 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 11009
Location: Wales
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
:lol:


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