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 Post subject: Ron's jokes
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 14:26 
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Joined: 01 Jan 1970 01:00
Posts: 10920
Location: Wales
Four brothers left home to go to college.
and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute £100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

" Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift....
The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
:shock:


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 14:29 
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If you remember Abbot and Costello, just read this.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous skit "Who's On First"...would have sounded like this instead!



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START.
:D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 15:36 
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Joined: 07 Feb 2009 16:00
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Location: Derbyshire
Image

Very good. Ron :lol: I love the computer jargon joke. Glad I'm not the only person who gets confused :!: :shock:


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 15:41 
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Location: Wales
Hiya Joan, it had me in stitches too.
xx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 16:03 
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Location: Derbyshire
Hiya Ron. Re computers, I thought this might make you smile too.

Ode to A Spell Cheque

eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong.
eye have run this poem threw it
i am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh

Joan :D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 16:09 
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Ah that's clever. :D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 17:26 
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Joined: 29 Aug 2010 19:51
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Nice an simple Ron - love it


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 26 Sep 2010 18:36 
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Location: Shropshire
Really good Ron :lol:
I thought yaws woz gud to Joan :wink:


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 12:11 
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Thanks Queenie.


There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and came off, wrecking the bike. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was until I turned his head around the right wa
y." :D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 13:12 
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Location: Derbyshire
OUCH :!: :!: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 15:22 
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Location: Wales
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.”
:D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 15:24 
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Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”
:D


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 16:31 
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Oh very good Ron

I have missed these and you of course!


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 27 Sep 2010 16:55 
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Thanks Toni, missed you also.
xx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: 28 Sep 2010 13:25 
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A horse goes into a bar and sits at the bar. At this the barman looks quite bemused but goes over and asks "what'll it be?" to which the horse replies "a pint of beer please" and gives the barman £10.

The barman goes back to the bar pulls the pint and thinking the horse probably wont be that smart goes back to the horse and £1 in change, he gives the horse the pint and the £1 change to which the horse thanks him.

After a while the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and says to the horse "we dont get many horses in here" to which the horse looks up from his paper and says "At £9 a pint I'm not surprised!!"
:D


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